This is Callums Website, my special little boy who cant be with me today. I love and miss him everyday and would do anything to have him with me. He was born on April 14th 2006 and became an angel the same day.

It was at my first scan that everything started to go wrong. Being my first preganancy i was excited but it didnt last for long. After finding fluid around my little boys head i was sent to the QE Hospital for a more detailed scan. After this i was told that Callum had fluis under his skin around his heart and in his lungs and that i had an 80% chance of miscarriage. I was also offered a CVS as they thought that the problem could be downs syndrome. I decided to take the test as i wanted to know everything i could about my little boy (or sprog as i called him then as i didnt know he was a boy!) 
After a week the results came back my baby had downs syndrome. It was the news i wasnt expecting, i was 18 and didnt think this could happen to me. But i knew i wanted to carry on with my pregnancy, i loved my little boy and would help him with whatever he needed. But luck still wasnt on my side. I was called back to the hospital to talk about the results. The consulatnt and specialist midwife told me that Downs Syndrome was proberly the least of my babies problems. As the fluid around my baby was called Hydrops Fetalis, and would add to my babies problems. They said how my baby was unlikely to make it to term. If he did he would have the worst quality of life and be in hospital for most of his life. 
On the 13th April 2006, i went into hospital to give birth to my baby boy. It was the worst experience of my life. I wanted it to be over as it hurt so much yet for it to be over it meant that my baby was gone and i couldnt take him home with me. He finally arrived on 14th April 2006 at 2.30am after 14 hours of labour. I got to see my little boy, and hold him say goodbye. He looked so tiny so perfect. I didnt want to let him go.
On the 27th April was Callums funeral, He had the smallest white coffin i had ever seen. I decided i wanted him to be creamted, i've kept his ashes and they now are in my room with me, where Callum should have been all along.....

Poems.....
my mom is a survivor

My Mum is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving Mum, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mum tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving Mum...through Heaven's open door,
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mum has a broken heart that time won't ever heal! 

Hold me close and go away 


Hold me close and go away

Please visit me and please don't stay

Talk to me but please don't speak

I need you NOW, come back next week.

Emotions muddled, needs unknown

To be with others or on my own?

To scream out loud? To rant and shout?

Or hide awayand push you out?

I smile at you - "she's not that bad"

I shout at you - "she's going mad"

I speak to you - "what do I say?"

I show my tears - "quick walk away"

Its not catching, the grief I feel

I can't pretend that its not real

I carry on as best I know

But this pain inside just won't go

So true friends, please, accept the lot

I shout, I cry, I lose the plot

I don't know what I need today

So hold me close and go away. 


Thinking of You with Love 

We thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.
We think of you in silence,
we often speak your name.
All we have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake,
with which we will never part.
God has you in His keeping,
we have you in our hearts.
A million times we`ve wanted you.
A million times we cried.
If love could only have saved you,
you never would have died.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
But you didn`t go alone.
For a part of us went with you...
the day God called you Home. 


I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye" 


Callums Poem

The sun shines down as the cool breeze blows
Slowly but surely your rose bush grows
Your windmills turn at their steady pace
and now a fake smiles put upon my face

I can remember back to when i was naieve
and didnt think in a few weeks i'd have to grieve
i couldn't wait for my bump to show
i never knew you could feel this low

I went to the hospital for my scan
With your dad and with your nan
Watching you move seeing you kick
Not realising your life could be over so quick

Took inside a consultants room
And being told i'd have to decide soon
I held my belly and prayed you could hear me
Whatever happnened next i loved you dearly

Sitting on the bed the nurse bought in the pill
As i knocked it back time moved so still
I told you i was sorry, theres nothing else i could do
All my hopes dreams and plans gone for me and for you

Two days later i was back on that bed
Praying instead that i would be dead
As the pain came i knew it was time
Soon you'd be born and you wouldnt be mine

The next day came i got to meet you
Five months beofre you were supposed to be due
You had tiny hands and such small feet
Holding you my heart skipped a beat

Then in came the vicar to start his blessing
As i started to think i'd caused all this mess
The tears i've cried could have filled a lake
When i left you at the hospital i heard my heart break

Now 2 months have passed and nothings the same
Untill i die i will carry the blame
People say in time my pain will heal
But theres not enough minutes in the world to change how i feel

But you will always be my baby, my special little man
And i will always be your mommy so now this is my plan
Everyone who meets me will hear me speak your name
And everyone will know they cannot take away this pain

So i hope my little boy you know you did not go alone
For when you died, part of me died with you
when you left me here alone. 


although me and callums daddy are no longer together i read this poem and it made me think of him

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave--
He lost his baby too. 


Dont think of him as gone away
His journeys just begun
life holds so many facels
the earth is only one

Just think of him as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place for warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years

Think how he must be wishing
that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away

And think of him as living
in the hearts of those he touched
for nothing loved is ever lost
and he was loved so much.